My Healing Journey
One could say I am a true California girl, conceived and carried on the golden shores of Malibu Beach, California, and born in the land of sunsets, Santa Monica. Even as a young child I found myself withdrawn, quiet, and always finding ways to “disappear” from ordinary life, escaping into the hills behind our home in a small country town, blanketed in Oak trees, outside of Los Angeles. I spent most of my time as a child hanging out with various farm animals we had then, like my llama named Beans, or immersing myself in books, as my parents didn’t allow me to watch TV.
To say I was unpopular as a child is an understatement, and not only did I endure a fair share of bullying, looking back I see that I also doled it out too. My parents fought a lot, and were separated by the age of 13, the same year that I first attempted to take my life. By the age of 14 they were divorced and the only life I had known, living on a small ranch in Green Valley, completely and drastically changed as my mother and I moved into a condominium in the San Fernando Valley. I again attempted to take my life at age 15, and that is when I began my journey of healing and began therapy.
High school was a unique experience, as I won a scholarship to go to a small private Waldorf school in Northridge. Here is where I began learning about holistic health and that we as humans have three (not always in harmony and often in conflict) aspects; Our heart, head and hands. At age 19 the Northridge Earthquake destroyed our home which was not insured, and my mother let it foreclose. We then moved to an apartment in Venice Beach, only a few blocks from the boardwalk. In the 90s Venice Beach was an affordable alternative to Santa Monica and the creative, carnivalesque atmosphere and being so close to the rolling waves of the pacific was no less than epic.
I decided at that time in my life that I was atheist and also, like many youth I talk to today including my own daughter, I did not want to have anything to do with the “machine” and the social constructs that made up societal rules. I figured I would make the most of my non-consensual existence by partying as hard as I could until I died. Instead of college I traveled to Italy and lived in Rome for some months. Experiences were the only thing that made sense about being alive to me. And I went out of my way to have some wild experiences. I partied recklessly. Attracted to dark alleys, underground raves, wounded people. I wore my apathy like a medal and thought I had figured out how to beat the game by not caring about anything.
At the age of 27, all of that changed when I found myself pregnant, and chose to become a mother. I want to emphasize that I had this privilege to choose and if I hadn’t, I might not be here today because the thought of being forced into motherhood without my consent was and is so disgusting and terrifying that I definitely would have attempted suicide again. I say now that this choice was a privilege and not a right because many of us don’t have this choice today.
Motherhood was and is the most profound growth mechanism in my life. Teaching me first how to care, and value life. Patience, the ability to slow down, managing uncertainty and anxiety when it comes to thinking about our children is next level, how to heal, acceptance of being imperfect and flawed both as a parent and human being, how to navigate systems, problem solve, have integrity and authenticity as a living example in hopes that their journey will be easier.
When my daughter was not yet walking, I was already divorced and I suffered from debilitating anxiety and depression, and sought financial and clinical support. Thank goodness I did, and also, navigating the welfare system is no joke. Luckily, I also had the support of my mom, and I was able to utilize this time to focus on therapy, go back to school and begin to connect with my own spiritual path. After graduating with a bachelor’s degree in gender and women’s studies, and orienting myself towards therapy, earth centered, Goddess identified spirituality with a vigorous study of witchcraft, I began to design and create a life worth living for me and my little daughter.
I asked myself this: “What do I value most about life?” I decided that I want a life full of amazing experiences, love, travel, learning and connection. Now this design and implementation of my vision for my life was far from perfect and took many years, with every little failure leading to every adventure and success I ever experienced.
Sometimes what happened was actually quite different from what I initially envisioned and that is still true to this day. Sometimes what manifested was beyond my wildest dreams, like moving from Los Angeles to a small mountain town in the Cascade mountains of Washington, achieving my graduate degree in psychology and working as a therapist in Portland, Oregon, traveling to Thailand, driving our old van from Portland to Baja California Sur, Mexico and making a life there with my family and partner for 4 years, experiencing ceremonies and circling with elders of ancient traditions, singing prayers to the stars and the sea, celebrating the wonder of life with people from many different countries, listening to whales, snorkeling daily, learning about mystical traditions, diverse perspectives and healing modalities.
At times, it could be devastating, feeling like everything fell apart, and I would have to begin again and again. These experiences have all contributed to who I am today and who I am becoming. Every experience, both the traumas and the joyous in my life were and remain sacred.
And yes, I too am still changing, still growing, still making mistakes, still having bad habits, still envisioning my life worth living, and going after new dreams and goals. Suicidal ideation no longer takes up space in my mind, and also I still manage my anxiety and depression cycles and am still exploring and learning about new and groundbreaking healing and wellness modalities. Growth and development are life-long adventures.
